she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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