I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
