i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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