So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
