Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
