Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
