my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
