I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
