i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
