We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
