Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
