he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I don't want my vagina anymore.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize