just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
