omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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