You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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