dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
