sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
