Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I wear drunk well.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
