bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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