I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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