I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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