Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
