went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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