its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
