I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Can I color on your dick again?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
