You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
