my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize