Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The uberlube is also flammable
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
