My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
