1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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