Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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