I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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