No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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