A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
