I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
