Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
