Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
