i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
