I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
