and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
