i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
