Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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