Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Ladies don't puke and tell
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
