It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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