i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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