I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
