I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
