I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
this just has baby written all over it
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
