just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
