Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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