census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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