FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
