We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
