How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
