My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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